Romans 12:1-2New International Version (NIV)
Therefore, I urge you, brothers and sisters, in view of God’s mercy, to offer your bodies as a living sacrifice, holy and pleasing to God—this is your true and proper worship. 2 Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will.
I was recently reading another blog about a woman choosing to change how she dresses because of her eyes be opened and her heart being convicted about how men view a woman in various types of clothing.
I know this type of story. Over 5 years ago, just before I became pregnant with my first child I felt a similar conviction. I was a teacher in a middle school and it was common for me to wear fitted style dress pants or fitted jeans (on dress down days). My eyes were opened about how men view women. I often would catch my husband noticing women in tight or skimpy clothing. I noticed them too. Their attire drew the attention. Though for me there was not a sexual attractiveness about noticing it. I knew there were already plenty of women who chose their style of dress to help curb the sexual attention of men. The more I thought about it the more I felt convicted about how I dressed. Sure, I thought I looked okay in tight pants but could it be drawing attention that does not honor the God I serve? I was a teacher, in front of numerous pubescent youngsters each day. Could it be that I was being a distraction to their learning by how I dressed? Could I somehow be encouraging lustful thoughts?
I don't consider myself to be particularly beautiful, so why would anyone have any attraction to my outward beauty? Well, men (and boys) do notice. No matter what size or shape or what color hair you have, men notice you.
As a teacher I was in front of students all day. They saw me from the front and the back. If I was talking or if I was writing on the board, their attention was expected to be on me. To think that a young teacher wearing tight jeans or dress pants would not be noticed by students, was just incorrect. No matter how much I would love to believe that I would not draw that kind of attention, it most likely did happen and probably more than I'd like to think possible.
So, what was I going to do about? Summer of 2009 I switched how I dressed. From that day on, every school day I showed up in a skirt- none that hugged my bum. If I went out in public I was in a skirt. It also made me feel more professional. I felt more like a role model and teacher rather than someone who dressed like the students. I am a petite 5'2 and had be occasionally mistaken as a student in the halls. So dressing better had even more benefits.
I became pregnant that fall which worked out well for my wardrobe since many skirts had elastic waists. In May, 6-7 months pregnant, we took a field trip to NYC on a Saturday. That day I wore maternity jeans in front of that small group of students. although I was not fully comfortable with wearing them, they were the best balance of practical and modest that I had for the trip.
It was good for me to "quit cold turkey" in terms of wearing pants in public. Over the years I have made some compromises in my wardrobe. I do occasionally wear capris or knee length shorts. And I have, on occasion run the the store in yoga pants- though I am very self conscious and if I can I wear something to cover my bum (a sweater/cardigan/jacket).
This has been my conviction. I impose it on no one. I don't usually talk about it unless people bring it up... And they do. I have no issue talking about it. And I am glad when they ask me about it since that means they perhaps do not want to make assumptions and/or spread gossip about my clothing.
So how did my husband like my change in wardrobe??
Well, at first he liked how I looked in skirts. Perhaps he liked the more well kept look on me. But over time he would complain that I wasn't wearing something tight fitting in public. This has been a topic of discussion many times for us. I do make the effort to wear form fitted things around the house for him. I realize he is my husband and would like to have some visual tease from ME. So when I can I wear yoga pants and even go braless which makes him smile when he arrives home from work. I have no issues with dressing that way for him. As our girls grow older we will have to make some alterations and find new ways to be good role models and yet good spouses too :)
Overall this change has been good for me. I enjoy wearing skirts most of the time and just feel better in them. I know God desires for me to follow Him, not the world. He does not desire for me to intice men. I know that there will still be men who will lust after women regardless of how they dress but if dressing more modestly will help their hearts be pure when they look at me then I have "helped keep my brother [in christ] from sin." Intentionally dressing to get sexual attention is not God's will. Therefore, I chose not to conform to the ways of this world. I'm not perfect and never will be but my heart is in the right place.
MY Pros to my more modest dress:
1. Professional look
2. Respect more easily attained
3. Less sexual attention from other men
4. More flexibility with weight gain/loss
5. More discussion on the topic
6. Less likely to be distracting to teaching
MY cons:
1. Had to go shopping for clothes (but would have needed to anyway since I became pregnant shortly after)
2. Had to find ways to keep legs warm in winter under skirts without too much static cling!
3. Finding a balance that works and adjusting it as I go
Saturday, January 24, 2015
Friday, January 23, 2015
Parenting Hack #1 glow sticks
And God said, "let there be light." And there was light. God saw that the light was good, and He separated the light from the darkness. - Genesis 1:3-4
I like the dollar store for some things. You know, cheap happy birthday/it's a girl balloons, cards, pregnancy/ovulation tests, puzzles, coloring books and glow sticks.
Who wouldn't want glow sticks!? Aren't they cool.
Well they are more than cool. Sure kids think they are cool but as a parent it's beyond cool. It's a sanity saver.
Power outages are not foreign to our area. Our kids have been in and out of "afraid of the dark" stages. Glow sticks can be a great alternative to flashlights(and way cooler!) for kids during evening or nighttime outages. For $1 you could get a glow stick wand or a pack of bracelets/sticks. Depending on your child's age, you would determine if he/she could handle them alone without getting into trouble or it they should be attached high out of reach somewhere in their room.
Both of our kids have been allowed to have one at night. Our kids (age 3 and 4) are reminded that they are not to throw, swing, smash, or break their glow sticks. We first put a couple on the rails on the toddler bed. Then if they left them alone we added a couple more. One night they got to wear them as bracelets to bed. They know that they would have it taken away if they misuse it. So far we haven't needed to take one away.
We have only used them a couple nights- none of which were power outage nights. But it sparked the thought that I should have some stored for a power outage. Our kids would likely be scared and want to be with us during an outage. Generally speaking our kids do not sleep with us in our beds. Occasionally they are allowed on the floor of our room if it's a really rough night (usually that's a sign that they may have ear infections we haven't discovered yet).
I know some parents are co-sleepers. That's fine. Doesn't work for us. We tried it in a king size bed on vacation. They ended up sleeping on the floor. They move all over the place. We also like to keep the bed for mommy and daddy and not let the kids get between us- literally.
So in an effort to keep our bed and room to ourselves this winter, I think glow sticks will be our fun tool to take out for power outages.
What do you think? Will you be adding this to your bag of tools? Do you have other tools you use?
I like the dollar store for some things. You know, cheap happy birthday/it's a girl balloons, cards, pregnancy/ovulation tests, puzzles, coloring books and glow sticks.
Who wouldn't want glow sticks!? Aren't they cool.
Well they are more than cool. Sure kids think they are cool but as a parent it's beyond cool. It's a sanity saver.
Power outages are not foreign to our area. Our kids have been in and out of "afraid of the dark" stages. Glow sticks can be a great alternative to flashlights(and way cooler!) for kids during evening or nighttime outages. For $1 you could get a glow stick wand or a pack of bracelets/sticks. Depending on your child's age, you would determine if he/she could handle them alone without getting into trouble or it they should be attached high out of reach somewhere in their room.
Both of our kids have been allowed to have one at night. Our kids (age 3 and 4) are reminded that they are not to throw, swing, smash, or break their glow sticks. We first put a couple on the rails on the toddler bed. Then if they left them alone we added a couple more. One night they got to wear them as bracelets to bed. They know that they would have it taken away if they misuse it. So far we haven't needed to take one away.
We have only used them a couple nights- none of which were power outage nights. But it sparked the thought that I should have some stored for a power outage. Our kids would likely be scared and want to be with us during an outage. Generally speaking our kids do not sleep with us in our beds. Occasionally they are allowed on the floor of our room if it's a really rough night (usually that's a sign that they may have ear infections we haven't discovered yet).
I know some parents are co-sleepers. That's fine. Doesn't work for us. We tried it in a king size bed on vacation. They ended up sleeping on the floor. They move all over the place. We also like to keep the bed for mommy and daddy and not let the kids get between us- literally.
So in an effort to keep our bed and room to ourselves this winter, I think glow sticks will be our fun tool to take out for power outages.
What do you think? Will you be adding this to your bag of tools? Do you have other tools you use?
Wednesday, December 31, 2014
New year
"A wife of noble character, who can find?" -proverbs 31:10
If you read one chapter of proverbs each day (chapter number matching up with the date within a month), then you ended your year with proverbs 31. what a great way to end the year... With hopes of being someone better next year.
As I begin a new year, I want to be someone different. I want to be a noble wife. Rather than pointing out every flaw in my husband, I want to be the wife who encourages and blesses and then who has her husband's confidence. I want to be the noble mother who receives praises from her children and husband.
So I want this to be the best character building year yet!
Happy 2015!
If you read one chapter of proverbs each day (chapter number matching up with the date within a month), then you ended your year with proverbs 31. what a great way to end the year... With hopes of being someone better next year.
As I begin a new year, I want to be someone different. I want to be a noble wife. Rather than pointing out every flaw in my husband, I want to be the wife who encourages and blesses and then who has her husband's confidence. I want to be the noble mother who receives praises from her children and husband.
So I want this to be the best character building year yet!
Happy 2015!
Tuesday, December 23, 2014
Christians are not perfect, we're just forgiven
"For God sent not his Son into the world to condemn the world; but that the world through him might be saved." John 3:17 KJV
If we are so forgiven, why do we let guilt and shame grip us? Why do we shy away from telling our story of God's grace covering our sin? Even when the sin is no longer occurring, we've asked forgiveness from God and those directly affected by our sin and we have repented of our sin...and yet we stop there. We never share it. It's our dirty little secret. I don't want to live a secret life. I want to be an open book... and OPEN witness to His love and forgiveness. If I've been forgiven then sin has no grip on me... so if I hang on to guilt and shame, what happened to the forgiveness?
I believe that if we aren't willing to be an open book, that Satan has a grip on us still. If we keep secrets about how we have been forgiven, where is our witness??
How can we proclaim to the world that we serve a forgiving God, and never tell them about the forgiveness He gave for our sins?
So here are my thoughts...
If you are no longer walking in that sin, and God has freed you, forgiven you; you have repented and are seeking to live God's way in that area... DON'T keep it to yourself! Share it with those who may need to hear your story, to help them in their walk with God, or to help them understand that Christians aren't perfect, we're just forgiven.
If you are still walking in a particular sin, don't keep that a secret either! First acknowledge the sin for what it is... SIN. Break off your relationship with Satan, and do a 180 and RUN into the arms of Christ. RUN. FLEE. and don't look back. Find someone to talk to about it. Someone to pray with you. Someone to be accountable to. A bible breathing Christian. Ya know... one that is a living breathing example of what is found in God's word.
Now don't get me wrong, I don't mean that you have to stand in the town square and shout out that you were a porn addict, alcoholic, narcissist, that you slept with five people out of wedlock, lied, cheated, were addicted to technology, ran a red light, chopped down your neighbors tree because you were angry... Though if you feel the Holy Spirit leading you to proclaim it in the streets by all means, DO... I mean that you should not intentionally skirt around/avoid opportunities to share your witness of God's mercy and forgiveness in your life. Heck, seek out those who may need to hear your witness.
If you struggled with alcohol as a teen, talk to teens about it so that maybe you can keep your brother or sister from falling into the same trap Satan has set. If you struggled with porn, find an opportunity to share with your bible study. Share the feelings and the consequences. Help them to flee from the situations rather than wait for them to fall prey.
Too often, I think Christians are afraid to share their story and miss opportunities to encourage godly behavior in others.
James 5:20 NKJV
19 Brethren, if anyone among you wanders from the truth, and someone turns him back, 20 let him know that he who turns a sinner from the error of his way will save a soul from death and cover a multitude of sins.
Proverbs 28:13 NKJV
13 He who covers his sins will not prosper,
But whoever confesses and forsakes them will have mercy.
If we are so forgiven, why do we let guilt and shame grip us? Why do we shy away from telling our story of God's grace covering our sin? Even when the sin is no longer occurring, we've asked forgiveness from God and those directly affected by our sin and we have repented of our sin...and yet we stop there. We never share it. It's our dirty little secret. I don't want to live a secret life. I want to be an open book... and OPEN witness to His love and forgiveness. If I've been forgiven then sin has no grip on me... so if I hang on to guilt and shame, what happened to the forgiveness?
I believe that if we aren't willing to be an open book, that Satan has a grip on us still. If we keep secrets about how we have been forgiven, where is our witness??
How can we proclaim to the world that we serve a forgiving God, and never tell them about the forgiveness He gave for our sins?
So here are my thoughts...
If you are no longer walking in that sin, and God has freed you, forgiven you; you have repented and are seeking to live God's way in that area... DON'T keep it to yourself! Share it with those who may need to hear your story, to help them in their walk with God, or to help them understand that Christians aren't perfect, we're just forgiven.
If you are still walking in a particular sin, don't keep that a secret either! First acknowledge the sin for what it is... SIN. Break off your relationship with Satan, and do a 180 and RUN into the arms of Christ. RUN. FLEE. and don't look back. Find someone to talk to about it. Someone to pray with you. Someone to be accountable to. A bible breathing Christian. Ya know... one that is a living breathing example of what is found in God's word.
Now don't get me wrong, I don't mean that you have to stand in the town square and shout out that you were a porn addict, alcoholic, narcissist, that you slept with five people out of wedlock, lied, cheated, were addicted to technology, ran a red light, chopped down your neighbors tree because you were angry... Though if you feel the Holy Spirit leading you to proclaim it in the streets by all means, DO... I mean that you should not intentionally skirt around/avoid opportunities to share your witness of God's mercy and forgiveness in your life. Heck, seek out those who may need to hear your witness.
If you struggled with alcohol as a teen, talk to teens about it so that maybe you can keep your brother or sister from falling into the same trap Satan has set. If you struggled with porn, find an opportunity to share with your bible study. Share the feelings and the consequences. Help them to flee from the situations rather than wait for them to fall prey.
Too often, I think Christians are afraid to share their story and miss opportunities to encourage godly behavior in others.
James 5:20 NKJV
19 Brethren, if anyone among you wanders from the truth, and someone turns him back, 20 let him know that he who turns a sinner from the error of his way will save a soul from death and cover a multitude of sins.
Proverbs 28:13 NKJV
13 He who covers his sins will not prosper,
But whoever confesses and forsakes them will have mercy.
Monday, December 22, 2014
Pride comes before the fall. Guilt and shame after.
Proverbs 16:18NLT
Pride goes before destruction, and haughtiness before a fall.
Matthew 26:41 NLT (Jesus speaking)
"Keep watch and pray, so that you will not give in to temptation. For the spirit is willing, but the flesh is weak."
I had set my mind to my sexual purity in my teens, prior to any dating. I was saving myself for my future spouse. No way would I have sex before I was married. I wasn't going down that road. I had my mind set.
I was doing great. I dated a guy in college for three years and we kept our virginity. After that relationship ended I found a couple guys online that lasted a date or two. Kept my virginity there too - despite having to stop one guy from getting all grabby. So I knew I could stand my ground. I felt proud. Look at what I was doing in my strength and with my standards set.
As I started my next relationship I felt confident in my plan. Met another guy. He wasn't just a "Christian". Unlike some guys claiming to be a Christian, he went to church regularly. He and I would read the Bible together over the phone and we would pray together. Slowly that tapered off. Over the next two years I would become more physically comfortable with him than any other man. I had no accountability person. And no one warned me about the emotions that would be connected to giving my heart and body away.
Of any sin I've committed, premarital sexual relations was the hardest to cope with. I was confused about how far we had really gone. Was it a gray area? I finally just faced the facts. It was sex even if in the world's view it was barely anything. I was done trying to convince myself that perhaps we didn't really go all the way.
I had brushed it off when someone wrote to me telling me to flee from situations that would invite temptation. I felt confident in myself. I trusted my boyfriend and we had talked about how we would stay strong and pure. Failed.
For those who seek God's heart, when we sin we feel convicted. We feel guilt and shame. The guilt and shame of sexual sin has gripped my life for about 8 years. Even though I brought it before God and asked for forgiveness, I couldn't let go of the guilt and shame. Oh sure God can forgive me. He knows whether I would ever do it again in a similar way. But I had trouble letting go. I can't go back and I can't prove I've overcome the sin. You see, I'm married now. I'm married to that man. I do believe part of me wanted to get married to him because of the sin. You really do give a piece of you away when you have a sexual relationship. That's why God intended it to be within a marriage.
I love my husband. But our marriage is not easy and is not what either of us had probably ever dreamed of. We know we didn't make wise decisions but we are learning more and more about how to love each other.
So why am I writing this? Because, I really do believe God can use my sin to help others in their walk. It wasn't until I shared my feelings of shame and guilt with a couple young ladies recently that I began the healing of these feelings. It's not a secret. God can't use secrets for His Glory. My sin and God's forgiveness is part of my testimony.
I wished that someone had talked to me about the deep extent of these feelings after sexual sin. No one ever wants to talk about it! No doubt, they too are feeling shame. Yet, talking about it is freeing!
So to those of you out there that are followers of Christ... FLEEEEEE from any situation that may invite the temptation to be present. It's not worth the cost. Run like your life depends on it - in part it does.
Do not stand in your own strength and expect to withstand tempting situations. It is far to easy to tiptoe closer and closer to the line until you find yourself right on top of the line. Trust me, it's far better once you're married anyway :) So flee and pray and ask God for strength and wisdom and His protection. Dig in His word and stay connected to Him.
If I could do it all over again- my whole dating life- I would probably court instead of date. Courting allows you to learn more about each other in group settings, evaluate each other's character, and keep in the public view - and it's hard to get touchy feely with accountability people around you all the time. I would also make a list of character qualities I want in a spouse and share those with family and friends that would be around me and anyone I might have interest in later.
If you do fall into sin (for all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God Romans 3:23), I encourage you to share it with others. Your story may help others in their walk, and you may find, as I have, that as you share, the grip that shame has on you begins releasing, so you may begin healing more completely.
Lord, I pray that my life can be pleasing to you. That when I fail you, I will not be held down by the burden of shame, but that I would lay it at your feet, covered in your forgiveness, and use my story to share your forgiveness and grace With others. We are all sinners. Help me to be the kind of person I would want to pour my heart out to. And my I be an open channel of your message. May my life be used for your Glory. Amen.
Pride goes before destruction, and haughtiness before a fall.
Matthew 26:41 NLT (Jesus speaking)
"Keep watch and pray, so that you will not give in to temptation. For the spirit is willing, but the flesh is weak."
I had set my mind to my sexual purity in my teens, prior to any dating. I was saving myself for my future spouse. No way would I have sex before I was married. I wasn't going down that road. I had my mind set.
I was doing great. I dated a guy in college for three years and we kept our virginity. After that relationship ended I found a couple guys online that lasted a date or two. Kept my virginity there too - despite having to stop one guy from getting all grabby. So I knew I could stand my ground. I felt proud. Look at what I was doing in my strength and with my standards set.
As I started my next relationship I felt confident in my plan. Met another guy. He wasn't just a "Christian". Unlike some guys claiming to be a Christian, he went to church regularly. He and I would read the Bible together over the phone and we would pray together. Slowly that tapered off. Over the next two years I would become more physically comfortable with him than any other man. I had no accountability person. And no one warned me about the emotions that would be connected to giving my heart and body away.
Of any sin I've committed, premarital sexual relations was the hardest to cope with. I was confused about how far we had really gone. Was it a gray area? I finally just faced the facts. It was sex even if in the world's view it was barely anything. I was done trying to convince myself that perhaps we didn't really go all the way.
I had brushed it off when someone wrote to me telling me to flee from situations that would invite temptation. I felt confident in myself. I trusted my boyfriend and we had talked about how we would stay strong and pure. Failed.
For those who seek God's heart, when we sin we feel convicted. We feel guilt and shame. The guilt and shame of sexual sin has gripped my life for about 8 years. Even though I brought it before God and asked for forgiveness, I couldn't let go of the guilt and shame. Oh sure God can forgive me. He knows whether I would ever do it again in a similar way. But I had trouble letting go. I can't go back and I can't prove I've overcome the sin. You see, I'm married now. I'm married to that man. I do believe part of me wanted to get married to him because of the sin. You really do give a piece of you away when you have a sexual relationship. That's why God intended it to be within a marriage.
I love my husband. But our marriage is not easy and is not what either of us had probably ever dreamed of. We know we didn't make wise decisions but we are learning more and more about how to love each other.
So why am I writing this? Because, I really do believe God can use my sin to help others in their walk. It wasn't until I shared my feelings of shame and guilt with a couple young ladies recently that I began the healing of these feelings. It's not a secret. God can't use secrets for His Glory. My sin and God's forgiveness is part of my testimony.
I wished that someone had talked to me about the deep extent of these feelings after sexual sin. No one ever wants to talk about it! No doubt, they too are feeling shame. Yet, talking about it is freeing!
So to those of you out there that are followers of Christ... FLEEEEEE from any situation that may invite the temptation to be present. It's not worth the cost. Run like your life depends on it - in part it does.
Do not stand in your own strength and expect to withstand tempting situations. It is far to easy to tiptoe closer and closer to the line until you find yourself right on top of the line. Trust me, it's far better once you're married anyway :) So flee and pray and ask God for strength and wisdom and His protection. Dig in His word and stay connected to Him.
If I could do it all over again- my whole dating life- I would probably court instead of date. Courting allows you to learn more about each other in group settings, evaluate each other's character, and keep in the public view - and it's hard to get touchy feely with accountability people around you all the time. I would also make a list of character qualities I want in a spouse and share those with family and friends that would be around me and anyone I might have interest in later.
If you do fall into sin (for all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God Romans 3:23), I encourage you to share it with others. Your story may help others in their walk, and you may find, as I have, that as you share, the grip that shame has on you begins releasing, so you may begin healing more completely.
Lord, I pray that my life can be pleasing to you. That when I fail you, I will not be held down by the burden of shame, but that I would lay it at your feet, covered in your forgiveness, and use my story to share your forgiveness and grace With others. We are all sinners. Help me to be the kind of person I would want to pour my heart out to. And my I be an open channel of your message. May my life be used for your Glory. Amen.
Friday, December 12, 2014
Testimony Revealed
If we keep our deepest moments- deepest pain, deepest shame- to ourselves, it is not yet part of our testimony for God. I have begun sharing some of my hidden moments with people and find that it brings me joy. Joy, because, in it all God's light shines through. It's not about what I do or what happens to me in life... It IS about what God does THROUGH what happens to me. Sometimes things just "happen"... And sometimes things happen as natural consequences because of our decisions. God can use every experience- positive and negative- for His Glory.
Where is He calling you to let go of your pride, your pain, your sadness, your shame... And embrace Him... And make a difference for His kingdom through your Witness of how God can take a broken vessel and bring it new life.
Ask God to show you opportunities to share your testimony... Your witness... To His Greatness. It may be to just one person who needs to hear your story... Maybe a few... Maybe more. Pray for His perfect timing. Pray for the lives that will someday be touched with your witness. And thank Him, for bringing beauty from ashes.
God. Loves. You. That's the truth, even when you don't "feel" like it's true.
Heavenly Father, thank you that you love us despite our painful past, our imperfect present and flawed future. Thank you for sending Jesus to be the sacrifice for our sins. Thank you for your loving mercy, your forgiveness in our brokenness, and your Holy Spirit to guide us in Your ways. Help me to be a better example of your love and forgiveness. Help me to trust in Your will for my testimony. Help me to kick the shame and guilt out the door and welcome in your healing. And may Your name be glorified through my life. May my openness lead others to do the same. May we all chose to walk more and more in your ways and may we encourage others to do the same. Amen.
Where is He calling you to let go of your pride, your pain, your sadness, your shame... And embrace Him... And make a difference for His kingdom through your Witness of how God can take a broken vessel and bring it new life.
Ask God to show you opportunities to share your testimony... Your witness... To His Greatness. It may be to just one person who needs to hear your story... Maybe a few... Maybe more. Pray for His perfect timing. Pray for the lives that will someday be touched with your witness. And thank Him, for bringing beauty from ashes.
God. Loves. You. That's the truth, even when you don't "feel" like it's true.
Heavenly Father, thank you that you love us despite our painful past, our imperfect present and flawed future. Thank you for sending Jesus to be the sacrifice for our sins. Thank you for your loving mercy, your forgiveness in our brokenness, and your Holy Spirit to guide us in Your ways. Help me to be a better example of your love and forgiveness. Help me to trust in Your will for my testimony. Help me to kick the shame and guilt out the door and welcome in your healing. And may Your name be glorified through my life. May my openness lead others to do the same. May we all chose to walk more and more in your ways and may we encourage others to do the same. Amen.
Wednesday, December 10, 2014
The Rainbow after the Storm
October 10, 2014
So for those who read my previous post you know about the heartache I experienced in September 2013. So what were the next steps? Well they said they'd do bloodwork once on the 25th, then two weeks later, and if the beta hcg count was still not less than 5 they'd wait two weeks and do it again. Three sticks? To someone who doesn't like needles and who was about to go in for a shot that same day, I questioned if it was possible to just wait two weeks to do the first test and if the number was still not down enough (as many people experience ), then they could do another at four weeks out from the miscarriage. They said that would be fine. So two weeks later I went to get my blood drawn. I could still trigger a pregnancy test so I knew the count was over 5. What I didn't expect was that I'd need an emergency ultrasound! My counts came back extremely high. They expect the number to be up to 100,000 for a regular pregnancy ...and mine, at two weeks post miscarriage was 137,000! They needed to investigate... could it be a molar pregnancy (can be cancerous) or a multiple pregnancy? The cooperating doctor was out of town so they scheduled an emergency ultrasound for that evening at the hospital. I scrambled for a sitter but found none. (Perhaps someone would have found the time if they knew why, but I wasn't prepared to share my roller coaster at the time.) so Hubby stayed home to put the girls to bed while I headed to the hospital.
Although friendly, the technician didn't say much while doing the ultrasound but she went back and forth across my belly. I was praying. Praying that yet again God would bring good from this. I placed it in His hands.
It felt like the ultrasound took forever! Then I went back to the waiting room to go pee. When I got out they had the midwife on the phone. She told me that they found a sac with just some tissue left at this point but it was not molar! Praise God! then she went on to tell me that there was a second sac with a thriving heartbeat. And so far everything looked great for that baby. It was bittersweet. Mourning one loss and celebrating the life of the twin. Our little baby (K3.0) would continue to grow and thrive while my body absorbed the remains of her "vanishing twin".
We never got to hear or see it's heartbeat but it definitely rocked my world and will be part of me as long as I live.
So today... On the anniversary of K3.0's first ultrasound... With all my kids sick... I am thankful for each of them. Thankful that God has purposed for my life to be a mom. Not always easy but such a blessing.
And I still proclaim... The Lord gives and The Lord takes away and I will still praise Him!
So for those who read my previous post you know about the heartache I experienced in September 2013. So what were the next steps? Well they said they'd do bloodwork once on the 25th, then two weeks later, and if the beta hcg count was still not less than 5 they'd wait two weeks and do it again. Three sticks? To someone who doesn't like needles and who was about to go in for a shot that same day, I questioned if it was possible to just wait two weeks to do the first test and if the number was still not down enough (as many people experience ), then they could do another at four weeks out from the miscarriage. They said that would be fine. So two weeks later I went to get my blood drawn. I could still trigger a pregnancy test so I knew the count was over 5. What I didn't expect was that I'd need an emergency ultrasound! My counts came back extremely high. They expect the number to be up to 100,000 for a regular pregnancy ...and mine, at two weeks post miscarriage was 137,000! They needed to investigate... could it be a molar pregnancy (can be cancerous) or a multiple pregnancy? The cooperating doctor was out of town so they scheduled an emergency ultrasound for that evening at the hospital. I scrambled for a sitter but found none. (Perhaps someone would have found the time if they knew why, but I wasn't prepared to share my roller coaster at the time.) so Hubby stayed home to put the girls to bed while I headed to the hospital.
Although friendly, the technician didn't say much while doing the ultrasound but she went back and forth across my belly. I was praying. Praying that yet again God would bring good from this. I placed it in His hands.
It felt like the ultrasound took forever! Then I went back to the waiting room to go pee. When I got out they had the midwife on the phone. She told me that they found a sac with just some tissue left at this point but it was not molar! Praise God! then she went on to tell me that there was a second sac with a thriving heartbeat. And so far everything looked great for that baby. It was bittersweet. Mourning one loss and celebrating the life of the twin. Our little baby (K3.0) would continue to grow and thrive while my body absorbed the remains of her "vanishing twin".
We never got to hear or see it's heartbeat but it definitely rocked my world and will be part of me as long as I live.
So today... On the anniversary of K3.0's first ultrasound... With all my kids sick... I am thankful for each of them. Thankful that God has purposed for my life to be a mom. Not always easy but such a blessing.
And I still proclaim... The Lord gives and The Lord takes away and I will still praise Him!
Job 1:21New International Version
21 and said:
“Naked I came from my mother’s womb,
and naked I will depart.
The Lord gave and the Lordhas taken away;
may the name of the Lordbe praised.”
and naked I will depart.
The Lord gave and the Lordhas taken away;
may the name of the Lordbe praised.”
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