Wednesday, December 31, 2014

New year

"A wife of noble character, who can find?" -proverbs 31:10

If you read one chapter of proverbs each day (chapter number matching up with the date within a month), then you ended your year with proverbs 31. what a great way to end the year... With hopes of being someone better next year.

As I begin a new year, I want to be someone different. I want to be a noble wife. Rather than pointing out every flaw in my husband, I want to be the wife who encourages and blesses and then who has her husband's confidence. I want to be the noble mother who receives praises from her children and husband.

So I want this to be the best character building year yet!
Happy 2015!

Tuesday, December 23, 2014

Christians are not perfect, we're just forgiven

"For God sent not his Son into the world to condemn the world; but that the world through him might be saved." John 3:17 KJV

If we are so forgiven, why do we let guilt and shame grip us? Why do we shy away from telling our story of God's grace covering our sin? Even when the sin is no longer occurring, we've asked forgiveness from God and those directly affected by our sin and we have repented of our sin...and yet we stop there. We never share it. It's our dirty little secret. I don't want to live a secret life. I want to be an open book... and OPEN witness to His love and forgiveness. If I've been forgiven then sin has no grip on me... so if I hang on to guilt and shame, what happened to the forgiveness?

I believe that if we aren't willing to be an open book, that Satan has a grip on us still. If we keep secrets about how we have been forgiven, where is our witness??

How can we proclaim to the world that we serve a forgiving God, and never tell them about the forgiveness He gave for our sins?

So here are my thoughts...
If you are no longer walking in that sin, and God has freed you, forgiven you; you have repented and are seeking to live God's way in that area... DON'T keep it to yourself! Share it with those who may need to hear your story, to help them in their walk with God, or to help them understand that Christians aren't perfect, we're just forgiven.
If you are still walking in a particular sin, don't keep that a secret either! First acknowledge the sin for what it is... SIN. Break off your relationship with Satan, and do a 180 and RUN into the arms of Christ. RUN. FLEE. and don't look back. Find someone to talk to about it. Someone to pray with you. Someone to be accountable to. A bible breathing Christian. Ya know... one that is a living breathing example of what is found in God's word.

Now don't get me wrong, I don't mean that you have to stand in the town square and shout out that you were a porn addict, alcoholic, narcissist, that you slept with five people out of wedlock, lied, cheated, were addicted to technology, ran a red light, chopped down your neighbors tree because you were angry... Though if you feel the Holy Spirit leading you to proclaim it in the streets by all means, DO... I mean that you should not intentionally skirt around/avoid opportunities to share your witness of God's mercy and forgiveness in your life. Heck, seek out those who may need to hear your witness.
If you struggled with alcohol as a teen, talk to teens about it so that maybe you can keep your brother or sister from falling into the same trap Satan has set. If you struggled with porn, find an opportunity to share with your bible study.  Share the feelings and the consequences. Help them to flee from the situations rather than wait for them to fall prey.
Too often, I think Christians are afraid to share their story and miss opportunities to encourage godly behavior in others.

James 5:20 NKJV
19 Brethren, if anyone among you wanders from the truth, and someone turns him back, 20 let him know that he who turns a sinner from the error of his way will save a soul from death and cover a multitude of sins.

Proverbs 28:13 NKJV
13 He who covers his sins will not prosper,
But whoever confesses and forsakes them will have mercy.


Monday, December 22, 2014

Pride comes before the fall. Guilt and shame after.

Proverbs 16:18NLT
Pride goes before destruction, and haughtiness before a fall.

Matthew 26:41 NLT (Jesus speaking)
"Keep watch and pray, so that you will not give in to temptation. For the spirit is willing, but the flesh is weak."

I had set my mind to my sexual purity in my teens, prior to any dating. I was saving myself for my future spouse. No way would I have sex before I was married. I wasn't going down that road. I had my mind set.
I was doing great. I dated a guy in college for three years and we kept our virginity. After that relationship ended I found a couple guys online that lasted a date or two. Kept my virginity there too - despite having to stop one guy from getting all grabby. So I knew I could stand my ground. I felt proud. Look at what I was doing in my strength and with my standards set.
As I started my next relationship I felt confident in my plan. Met another guy. He wasn't just a "Christian". Unlike some guys claiming to be a Christian, he went to church regularly. He and I would read the Bible together over the phone and we would pray together. Slowly that tapered off. Over  the next two years I would become more physically comfortable with him than any other man. I had no accountability person. And no one warned me about the emotions that would be connected to giving my heart and body away.
Of any sin I've committed, premarital sexual relations was the hardest to cope with. I was confused about how far we had really gone. Was it a gray area? I finally just faced the facts. It was sex even if in the world's view it was barely anything. I was done trying to convince myself that perhaps we didn't really go all the way.
I had brushed it off when someone wrote to me telling me to flee from situations that would invite temptation. I felt confident in myself. I trusted my boyfriend and we had talked about how we would stay strong and pure. Failed.
For those who seek God's heart, when we sin we feel convicted. We feel guilt and shame. The guilt and shame of sexual sin has gripped my life for about 8 years. Even though I brought it before God and asked for forgiveness, I couldn't let go of the guilt and shame. Oh sure God can forgive me. He knows whether I would ever do it again in a similar way. But I had trouble letting go. I can't go back and I can't prove I've overcome the sin. You see, I'm married now. I'm married to that man. I do believe part of me wanted to get married to him because of the sin. You really do give a piece of you away when you have a sexual relationship. That's why God intended it to be within a marriage.
I love my husband. But our marriage is not easy and is not what either of us had probably ever dreamed of. We know we didn't make wise decisions but we are learning more and more about how to love each other.
So why am I writing this? Because, I really do believe God can use my sin to help others in their walk. It wasn't until I shared my feelings of shame and guilt with a couple young ladies recently that I began the healing of these feelings. It's not a secret. God can't use secrets for His Glory. My sin and God's forgiveness is part of my testimony.
I wished that someone had talked to me about the deep extent of these feelings after sexual sin. No one ever wants to talk about it! No doubt, they too are feeling shame. Yet, talking about it is freeing!
So to those of you out there that are followers of Christ... FLEEEEEE from any situation that may invite the temptation to be present. It's not worth the cost. Run like your life depends on it - in part it does.
Do not stand in your own strength and expect to withstand tempting situations. It is far to easy to tiptoe closer and closer to the line until you find yourself right on top of the line. Trust me, it's far better once you're married anyway :) So flee and pray and ask God for strength and wisdom and His protection. Dig in His word and stay connected to Him.
If I could do it all over again- my whole dating life- I would probably court instead of date. Courting allows you to learn more about each other in group settings, evaluate each other's character, and keep in the public view - and it's hard to get touchy feely with accountability people around you all the time. I would also make a list of character qualities I want in a spouse and share those with family and friends that would be around me and anyone I might have interest in later.
If you do fall into sin (for all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God Romans 3:23), I encourage you to share it with others. Your story may help others in their walk, and you may find, as I have, that as you share, the grip that shame has on you begins releasing, so you may begin healing more completely.

Lord, I pray that my life can be pleasing to you. That when I fail you, I will not be held down by the burden of shame, but that I would lay it at your feet, covered in your forgiveness, and use my story to share your forgiveness and grace With others. We are all sinners. Help me to be the kind of person I would want to pour my heart out to. And my I be an open channel of your message. May my life be used for your Glory. Amen.

Friday, December 12, 2014

Testimony Revealed

If we keep our deepest moments- deepest pain, deepest shame- to ourselves, it is not yet part of our testimony for God. I have begun sharing some of my hidden moments with people and find that it brings me joy. Joy, because, in it all God's light shines through. It's not about what I do or what happens to me in life... It IS about what God does THROUGH what happens to me. Sometimes things just "happen"... And sometimes things happen as natural consequences because of our decisions. God can use every experience- positive and negative- for His Glory. 
Where is He calling you to let go of your pride, your pain, your sadness, your shame... And embrace Him... And make a difference for His kingdom through your Witness of how God can take a broken vessel and bring it new life. 
Ask God to show you opportunities to share your testimony... Your witness... To His Greatness. It may be to just one person who needs to hear your story... Maybe a few... Maybe more. Pray for His perfect timing. Pray for the lives that will someday be touched with your witness. And thank Him, for bringing beauty from ashes. 
God. Loves. You. That's the truth, even when you don't "feel" like it's true.

Heavenly Father, thank you that you love us despite our painful past, our imperfect present and flawed future. Thank you for sending Jesus to be the sacrifice for our sins. Thank you for your loving mercy, your forgiveness in our brokenness, and your Holy Spirit to guide us in Your ways. Help me to be a better example of your love and forgiveness. Help me to trust in Your will for my testimony. Help me to kick the shame and guilt out the door and welcome in your healing. And may Your name be glorified through my life. May my openness lead others to do the same. May we all chose to walk more and more in your ways and may we encourage others to do the same. Amen. 




Wednesday, December 10, 2014

The Rainbow after the Storm

October 10, 2014

So for those who read my previous post you know about the heartache I experienced in September 2013. So what were the next steps? Well they said they'd do bloodwork once on the 25th, then two weeks later, and if the beta hcg count was still not less than 5 they'd wait two weeks and do it again. Three sticks? To someone who doesn't like needles and who was about to go in for a shot that same day, I questioned if it was possible to just wait two weeks to do the first test and if the number was still not down enough (as many people experience ), then they could do another at four weeks out from the miscarriage. They said that would be fine. So two weeks later I went to get my blood drawn. I could still trigger a pregnancy test so I knew the count was over 5. What I didn't expect was that I'd need an emergency ultrasound! My counts came back extremely high. They expect the number to be up to 100,000 for a regular pregnancy ...and mine, at two weeks post miscarriage was 137,000! They needed to investigate... could it be a molar pregnancy (can be cancerous) or a multiple pregnancy? The cooperating doctor was out of town so they scheduled an emergency ultrasound for that evening at the hospital. I scrambled for a sitter but found none. (Perhaps someone would have found the time if they knew why, but I wasn't prepared to share my roller coaster at the time.) so Hubby  stayed home to put the girls to bed while I headed to the hospital. 
Although friendly, the technician didn't say much while doing the ultrasound but she went back and forth across my belly. I was praying. Praying that yet again God would bring good from this. I placed it in His hands. 
It felt like the ultrasound took forever! Then I went back to the waiting room to go pee. When I got out they had the midwife on the phone. She told me that they found a sac with just some tissue left at this point but it was not molar! Praise God! then she went on to tell me that there was a second sac with a thriving heartbeat. And so far everything looked great for that baby. It was bittersweet. Mourning one loss and celebrating the life of the twin. Our little baby (K3.0) would continue to grow and thrive while my body absorbed the remains of her "vanishing twin". 
We never got to hear or see it's heartbeat but it definitely rocked my world and will be part of me as long as I live. 
So today... On the anniversary of K3.0's first ultrasound... With all my kids sick... I am thankful for each of them. Thankful that God has purposed for my life to be a mom. Not always easy but such a blessing.
And I still proclaim... The Lord gives and The Lord takes away and I will still praise Him!


Job 1:21New International Version

21 and said:
“Naked I came from my mother’s womb,
    and naked I will depart.
The Lord gave and the Lordhas taken away;
    may the name of the Lordbe praised.”

Praise You In This Storm

Recently, a friend invited me to accompany her to a concert featuring Casting Crowns, Sidewalk Prophets, and Mandisa. This was particularly special because my top song in the past year was sung that night, and again I poured out my heart, lifted my hands and praised Him. 
Here is part of that song and my thoughts from September 25, 2014.

"I'll praise you in this storm, and I will lift my hands for you are who you are, no matter where I am. And every tear I cry, you hold in your hand, you never left my side. And though my heart is torn, I will praise you in this storm."
One year ago today, I became a silent member of a group of women whose hearts are torn. 
Three weeks earlier, my life presented me with yet another joyous yet emotionally scary twist. I decided to live in the joy secretively for a little while, awaiting the perfect gentle moment to share with my husband. Life is unpredictable. And rather than me picking the perfect moment, life forced me to move three weeks later. 
The day started as usually but at 10am it took a scary turn. Knowing I could do nothing to prevent what was going on, I finished getting myself and the kids ready for the day, dropped them off and headed into work. I held it together long enough to request someone take my place at work and called to get a professional opinion. I left work and no sooner did I get in the car and I lost it. Tears flowing uncontrollably. I couldn't call him. I needed to talk in person. I was an emotional mess. So I texted for him to meet me at home. I walked in ... trying again to keep it together emotionally. I headed straight for the bathroom, couldn't even look at him. He waited (thinking perhaps i had gotten fired somehow). I came out in a few minutes. Taking a deep breath... I lost it... Again. How do I even go about saying it? Well I started with "three weeks ago..." And preceded in tears to the events of "today..." For him, the knowledge of the beginning and end of life all happened in those few moments of tearful monologue. But he wrapped his loving arms around me and helped me walk through my emotions that day. He accompanied me to the birth center and to the hospital for my shot. God provided his support so that I would not be alone in my ventures that day.
Life is precious even this short. This was yet another leap in spiritual growth but it exposes such an overlooked reality in faith. Even though I put my faith in Christ and my heart professes "the Lord gives and He takes away. I will still praise Him" that doesn't mean the heartache goes away. We are human. We feel pain. 
I praised him in the storm when our firstborn was hanging on to life by tubes, wires and monitors minutes after birth. And I praised him last year as I miscarried. And I continue to praise him in the storms of life and I continue to place my life in his hands. That doesn't mean life is easy. It's not easy to give up control. But I know who holds my future in the palm of His hands and I trust in Him to walk with me and carry me through my joys and heartaches throughout my life. I am not angry at God "for allowing things to happen in my life." However, heartache is real.
So now I unveil myself as a mother... A mother who knows the pain of miscarriage.

(See next post for more of this story)

Isaiah 54:10-12New International Version

10 Though the mountains be shaken
    and the hills be removed,
yet my unfailing love for you will not be shaken
    nor my covenant of peacebe removed,”
    says the Lord, who has compassion on you.


11 “Afflicted city, lashed by storms and not comforted,
    I will rebuild you with stones of turquoise,
    your foundations with lapis lazuli.
12 I will make your battlements of rubies,
    your gates of sparkling jewels,
    and all your walls of precious stones.


Tuesday, December 9, 2014

Background about me

A little background to help you understand my posts.

I am a married woman. My husband and I are 32 years old. He is a tad older than me though. :) We have been married for over 7 years now.

We have three kids... K1.0, K2.0, K3.0 and yes I do number them when I write about them on social media and in texts. :)
K1.0 is 5 years old
K2.0 is 3 years old
K3.0 is 1 year old 
4.0 coming this fall. 
(As of Summer 2015)

All of our children were conceived while we were trying to not have kids. BUT each one is a blessing in her own way. They are teaching us a lot and we are growing and maturing as we raise them. No doubt there will be a post at some point about my faith journey concerning having children.

I have cloth diapered all three kids to some degree and I enjoy it! (As much as one can enjoy changing a diaper anyway) :)

I taught foreign languages from 2005 until 2014 when I was laid off.
My husband works in IT and he is awesome at what he does.

While unemployed, I am learning to teach my kids - since life is a never ending learning process.

I am an extrovert that enjoys hanging out with people, sharing stories and playing games. I have a genuine desire to learn more about sharing my faith and my witness with others so they can know of the hope I've found in Jesus Christ.

I am writing to help me remember events and to meditate on God's Word. I also write so that I may share my life in a real way with the hope that someone will feel encouraged, inspired, and loved by God. I am an imperfect vessel but regardless of how I feel on any given day, I know God can still use my life to teach me and others.


There may be things I write about that you disagree with... that's okay. I just ask that we be respectful of each other.

Romans 15:13New International Version 

13 May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit.

Saturday, December 6, 2014

Thirsty Sponges

"Thy word I have hidden in my heart, that I might not sin against thee." Psalm 119:11

Recently, I finally took hold of the Holy Spirit's prompting. Instead of expecting others to provide the Biblical teaching to my children, I needed to step up. And I finally have started.

I was sitting back, letting the church do all the work. Sure, the church can teach them in Sunday School and in Awana Clubs. I trust my church community with that. But, let's do the math... let's say that in a good year, we make it to 45 (out of 52) Sunday School opportunities and 20 Awana club nights. Those who know us, know that we would call that a GOOD year. That's 65 opportunities for them to hear and learn about God (Father, Son and Holy Spirit). 65... out of 365! Ummmm HELLO! That's a lot of days hearing no direct teaching of godly things.

Yeah.. so now that I feel like a bad Christian mama, I take it to God. I have sinned. Let's call it like it is. God's word says in Deuteronomy 6:6-7 "These commandments that I give you today are to be on your hearts. Impress them on your children. Talk about them when you sit at home and when you walk along the road, when you lie down and when you get up. " So, not teaching them to my children means I am not obeying God.... aka a SIN. Acknowledge. Confess. Repent.

So now, we have Bible time, along with our phonics and math lessons. And we are talking about God, not just during Bible time, but anytime we want. I ask about what they are learning at church. They ask me questions and are learning that adults don't have all the answers either. Our oldest is teaching me that no time is to early or to late to talk about God, heaven and hell. She is showing me that I can learn a lot from her questions, thoughts and fears. She is proving that at age 4 she is not just thankful for her food, but also thankful that God sent Jesus so that she doesn't have to go to hell. What joy on this mama's heart to hear her little cute voice thanking Jesus for that!

My 3 year old and 4 year old are showing me, they are thirsty sponges- ready to soak it all up. They want to learn - most of the time anyway.When I recently started memorizing verses with the kids, I was amazed. In about 5 days, the three of us had memorized 1 Corinthians 13: 4-8a (The "love" verses often quoted at weddings, including ours). Now we have moved to Luke chapter 2. A bit more difficult to remember it seems, but we are making (slow) progress. We know the first 3 verses. We may not make it to verse 20 before Christmas (as we'd like), but we shall give it a try!

As a teacher, I have known, that you learn it best when you have to teach it! So it is a blessing to all three of us to be memorizing these verses. Added bonus is that we get to do it TOGETHER. School time and family time mingled together. Precious moments, making disciples.

Proverbs 22:6 "Train up a child in the way he should go: and when he is old, he will not depart from it."

So...Where is God calling you to take a step for Him to make disciples? (Feel free to share in the comments so that I may pray for you.) He will give you all that you need to be more than just adequate.

"God, You are awesome in power and might. You reign over all the earth. You sent your Son to die that I might live. And in return, you ask that I make disciples. You have blessed my womb, and I have praised you for my children. And with that same mouth from which praises come, I keep silent. I watch. I pass the buck. But I am done doing that. I am changing my ways, to align them with your ways. I want to learn about you, and teach about you. I want to dig deep in your word and encourage my children to do the same. I want to write your word on my heart, so that I might not sin against you, and I want to help them write it on theirs. Forgive me Lord, for delayed and inconsistent obedience. I am inadequate. Forgive me for living in the feeling of inadequacy rather than living the truth that with you all things are possible. Help me step out in faith. Help me walk through your word, and memorize it, with my children, so that we may know your truth each and every day, whether rejoicing in life or struggling to keep our sanity. In all things, may we come to your truth and bask in your love and mercy. Teach me, to teach them. And Lord, forgive me when I fall. Help me back up. Thank you for all that you are, and all I can be through you. You ARE my Lord and King. And no matter how many times I fall, I must get up and continue this road with you. I cannot wait to be in your heavenly presence, but until then, teach me to do your will here on earth. Thank you for loving me through it all. Amen"

Tuesday, December 2, 2014

The Beginning

"In the beginning, God created the heavens and the earth." Genesis 1:1

Yup. He created them. And even then, He knew of you and of me. He knew us and loved us before we were born. SOAK that in for a moment... Reread it... go ahead... I'll wait...
He sent His one and only Son, Jesus Christ, to die for us, before we were born!
He knew of this blog before I hit the publish button. And only He knows what will become of it. My prayer is, that someone, somewhere will find hope and encouragement through these words shared.


So, this may be a new beginning for me, but it certainly is not The Beginning.


If there is a topic you'd me to write about you may suggest them in the comments here on this post.