Proverbs 16:18NLT
Pride goes before destruction, and haughtiness before a fall.
Matthew 26:41 NLT (Jesus speaking)
"Keep watch and pray, so that you will not give in to temptation. For the spirit is willing, but the flesh is weak."
I had set my mind to my sexual purity in my teens, prior to any dating. I was saving myself for my future spouse. No way would I have sex before I was married. I wasn't going down that road. I had my mind set.
I was doing great. I dated a guy in college for three years and we kept our virginity. After that relationship ended I found a couple guys online that lasted a date or two. Kept my virginity there too - despite having to stop one guy from getting all grabby. So I knew I could stand my ground. I felt proud. Look at what I was doing in my strength and with my standards set.
As I started my next relationship I felt confident in my plan. Met another guy. He wasn't just a "Christian". Unlike some guys claiming to be a Christian, he went to church regularly. He and I would read the Bible together over the phone and we would pray together. Slowly that tapered off. Over the next two years I would become more physically comfortable with him than any other man. I had no accountability person. And no one warned me about the emotions that would be connected to giving my heart and body away.
Of any sin I've committed, premarital sexual relations was the hardest to cope with. I was confused about how far we had really gone. Was it a gray area? I finally just faced the facts. It was sex even if in the world's view it was barely anything. I was done trying to convince myself that perhaps we didn't really go all the way.
I had brushed it off when someone wrote to me telling me to flee from situations that would invite temptation. I felt confident in myself. I trusted my boyfriend and we had talked about how we would stay strong and pure. Failed.
For those who seek God's heart, when we sin we feel convicted. We feel guilt and shame. The guilt and shame of sexual sin has gripped my life for about 8 years. Even though I brought it before God and asked for forgiveness, I couldn't let go of the guilt and shame. Oh sure God can forgive me. He knows whether I would ever do it again in a similar way. But I had trouble letting go. I can't go back and I can't prove I've overcome the sin. You see, I'm married now. I'm married to that man. I do believe part of me wanted to get married to him because of the sin. You really do give a piece of you away when you have a sexual relationship. That's why God intended it to be within a marriage.
I love my husband. But our marriage is not easy and is not what either of us had probably ever dreamed of. We know we didn't make wise decisions but we are learning more and more about how to love each other.
So why am I writing this? Because, I really do believe God can use my sin to help others in their walk. It wasn't until I shared my feelings of shame and guilt with a couple young ladies recently that I began the healing of these feelings. It's not a secret. God can't use secrets for His Glory. My sin and God's forgiveness is part of my testimony.
I wished that someone had talked to me about the deep extent of these feelings after sexual sin. No one ever wants to talk about it! No doubt, they too are feeling shame. Yet, talking about it is freeing!
So to those of you out there that are followers of Christ... FLEEEEEE from any situation that may invite the temptation to be present. It's not worth the cost. Run like your life depends on it - in part it does.
Do not stand in your own strength and expect to withstand tempting situations. It is far to easy to tiptoe closer and closer to the line until you find yourself right on top of the line. Trust me, it's far better once you're married anyway :) So flee and pray and ask God for strength and wisdom and His protection. Dig in His word and stay connected to Him.
If I could do it all over again- my whole dating life- I would probably court instead of date. Courting allows you to learn more about each other in group settings, evaluate each other's character, and keep in the public view - and it's hard to get touchy feely with accountability people around you all the time. I would also make a list of character qualities I want in a spouse and share those with family and friends that would be around me and anyone I might have interest in later.
If you do fall into sin (for all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God Romans 3:23), I encourage you to share it with others. Your story may help others in their walk, and you may find, as I have, that as you share, the grip that shame has on you begins releasing, so you may begin healing more completely.
Lord, I pray that my life can be pleasing to you. That when I fail you, I will not be held down by the burden of shame, but that I would lay it at your feet, covered in your forgiveness, and use my story to share your forgiveness and grace With others. We are all sinners. Help me to be the kind of person I would want to pour my heart out to. And my I be an open channel of your message. May my life be used for your Glory. Amen.
No comments:
Post a Comment